Tug Hill Herb Harvest – July 2021

I am settled back home in Brooklyn after a few-day trip up to Tug Hill.  The purpose of the trip was not to harvest herbs, but to connect deeply to myself and to Nature. My great-aunt, a six (maybe even seven!) decades-long resident of Tug Hill, said that everything is off this year in terms […]

In Dreams

I’ve had vivid dreams my entire life.

I’ve also experienced issues relating to good, quality sleep (aka insomnia).

I’ve tried all the formulas that Chinese Medicine offers, and they don’t help.  Not in the long term anyway.

The Daoist traditional thought surrounding dreams is that the dreams of common man are seen as insignificant.  The only dreams that matter are those from “radiant figures” and those who have dreamless sleep.  It was said that those with dreamless sleep had no anxiety during the day.  This, I propose, is where the idea that having any sort of dreams meant that one had a restless Heart, restless Shen, in Chinese Medicine originated.  And, that in order to live a peaceful and contented life, one of the entrees into that state is through having dreamless sleep.

This is in stark contrast to the Jungian approach to dreams, wherein they are seen as an access point into the Unconcious.  The unknown.  The Feminine.

Look at Jung’s The Red Book, or his more accessible, Memories, Dreams, Reflections.  Deep, profound healing can occur when one is willing to converse with what arises from the unconscious.

This has led me to question the entire premise of sleep according to Chinese Medicine.

What exactly is Chinese Medicine asking of us, when CM proposes that dreamless sleep is the ideal?  Or that comman man’s dreams are insignificant?

What if, instead, this is a hugely missed opportunity in the name of overcoming the Feminine, the Unconscious, in the name of non-duality, Dao?

What if I don’t need to “fix” my sleep issues or vivid dreams that often lead me to feeling exhausted.  And, instead, mine them for the gold that they are offering me?  What lessons could be learned from this shift in approach?

Some of us receive inner knowing from our guts.  Others, like me, from their dreams.

I’ve started journaling my dreams every morning, no matter how short the dream, how vivid or vague, and then journal my feelings from there.  I’ve tried to dream journal before, and seem to have found a groove that works for me, with no particular “way” of analyzing my dreams.  I just let them tell me what to write, then I see what comes up in me from there.  It’s very organic, and I much prefer it over: what does this color mean, what does this or that mean, what’s the significance.

No.  Just let the dreams tell me what to do, thank you very much.  My dreams and I are tired of outside input into how they should or should not be in the world.

 

Since I’ve been doing this exercise?

I’ve been able to process and let go of things that I had been holding onto ever so tightly for a long time.   I’ve been able to see my own behavior, reflected through the characters of my dreams, and how it hurts me.  I’ve been witness to a deep loving-kindness that comes forth when I need it most, and wake up knowing that that is part of me.  A part that I can access at any time.

Coincidentally, my sleep has never been better.  (Sure, I still need assistance to GET to sleep, but I don’t wake up as frequently, and I feel more rested.)

I feel better throughout the day. My mind is less cluttered during the day, less anxious. I feel more connected to my authentic self. I don’t run on auto-pilot nearly as much. I’m engaged with my day and body and self.

I’m able to be more careful with myself, something that sounds strange.  But, I’m very hard on myself, and now I treat myself with a lot more love and compassion than I did before.  (It should be noted, that I am also engaged in practices throughout the day where I cultivate self-love and compassion!)

And you know what?  I like this so much better.  I like that my dreams are wild and vivid.  I like that they have things to share with me. I don’t want them to go away. They have become one of my greatest teachers. And, isn’t that what this whole healing business is all about?

I am my greatest teacher. I have everything I need within me.

So do you.

Finding Gratitude

2020 is not going the way any of us thought it would. So much is changing, in upheaval, and we are learning that the world was never a certain place and that we have always had to adapt and work for the kind of world we want to live in.

One thing I’m still mourning is the loss of a couple of short recitals to help me prepare for a full length one that I was hoping to do in 2021. I thought I’d be involved in a community orchestra, or playing in some kind of group.

I thought I’d be able to see more herbal clients, or sell more products.

There are so many things I had been planning and wishing for, so much has fallen by the wayside.

What I have been given is: the ability to tackle some projects that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. The biggest one was doing an herbal inventory and massive reorganization. It’s been a great project, and I’m so glad to have it **this close** to completion. I have a huge apothecary of dried herbs.

Soapbox moment: Sadly not many people want to work with dried (aka raw) herbs in tea or decoction form these days. It’s unfortunate because this is the best medicine: made with your hands, with your care and attention, with your intentions. It is the least processed form of herbs one can take, apart from harvesting your own herbs that is, and for me the most effective. (I’m getting off my soapbox now.)

I’ve set up a financial plan and spreadsheet that makes me smile every time I open it up. (I’m not one for using apps for things like that.)

I have a lovely work from home setup. And I even installed a new hard drive on my 8 year old laptop to get me through as long as possible with it. (So grateful for internet tutorials on how to do this!)

I’m grateful for working from home, and especially so with many of the things I planned for and thought were going to happen in my life fell apart.

I’m grateful for the time and space to learn and remember what I have to work with and where I can go from here.

Grateful that I’ve built as much of a haven in this crazy world as possible with the means that I have.

I am ever grateful for my network of friends, family and colleagues reminding me that I am not alone and that whatever happens we all will get through this.

I am so grateful for being able to have a meal prepared with produce from my little deck-plot and my sister’s garden. (And of course for having the means to have a fridge filled with healthy foods.)

I’m grateful newly returned to things in my life, and the things in my life that give me joy that I do simply because I love doing them:

I had a big pot filled with beans that died back in the heat, so I reseeded it with yet more beans this past weekend. They are springing up! I filled another pot with chrysanthemum greens seeds which are all sprouting beautifully. And another pot has cilantro popping up in a pot that had peas, there’s cat grass for Ms. Martie too. The grapes are coming along, and I’ll get a few teensy bunches if the birds and squirrels don’t beat me to them first. Not too shabby for a small deck in Brooklyn, I’d say!

Next year I’ll remember to prune the tomatoes a bit more efficiently – they’re awfully leggy! I have so many ideas for next year’s deck garden, but I won’t get attached to them! 2020 has taught me to not be attached to any path or outcome as everything in life is in a moment of change.

I’m also trying to utilize this time working from home to get back into making art again. I have such fond memories of my apartment in Rhode Island filled with sunlight and tables, where I’d stay up until the wee hours of the morning drawing and painting. Because these memories are more and more persistent, much like my memories of playing the violin prior to returning, I’ve decided to try to get back into some semblance of an art-practice. Yet, I’m so out of practice it’s going to take a while to get back into the swing of things. Just as with the violin, I’m frustrated at my lack of agility after such a long time has passed. So much has changed since I last seriously made art, I don’t even know what I have to communicate anymore. Guess I’ll find out.

(Speaking of: I’ve been slowly adding my older artwork to an Etsy shop, here it is if you want to check it out, and support a maker to continue making her work: https://www.etsy.com/shop/LiminalWorksbyPamela)

In July, I took a week-long violin workshop “intensive”. It lived up to its name! I learned that I can no longer avoid some things in my playing that I’d rather not look at or work on. And since then, I’ve mustered up the courage to start learning the Bach Allemande from the 2nd Partita (Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas for Solo Violin are considered the epitome of classical violin in terms of not just technique but artistry as well.) You see, until this workshop’s message about my playing, I felt like I could not tackle this massive body of repertoire (there are six pieces in total in this collection) as it felt very intimidating. I’d be upset prior to even starting about me not having the ability to do the work justice, or perfectly. (Talk about self-sabotage, right?! I was quitting before I had started, and perfection most certainly does not exist!) Me being me, I figured the only way to work on these aspects of my playing was to work on the very pieces that I had been avoiding… Lo and behold, I am loving working on the Allemande, and have been spending nearly all my practice time with it!

I guess that’s the biggest lesson of 2020 for me: stepping into and up to my life with courage, and being acting on what arises from my Heart. In years past, it took a long time to hear what my Heart was saying. This year, I feel I can hear my Heart enough that I’m able to take action because the messages are loud and clear for me.

While we are all adapting to the upheavals of this year, what things in your life are you grateful for?

What are you learning about yourself that is surprising you?

 

Safety Within

Well… here we are.  In NY, it is week 10 of shelter-in-place.

No matter your particular situation:  How are you doing?

How are you feeling: physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually?

Have you been learning new things about yourself, your life, your world?

Discovering challenging things, uncovering pearls of wisdom or inner gifts? 

Do you have things coming up from a long time ago, asking to be released, held, healed?  

Are you experiencing new feelings, or feelings that you would typically work to avoid, ignore or otherwise deny?

Are you working with this time?  Are you fighting this time?  Is this time a boon or a bane? Both a boon and a bane?


I’ve had my share of “ups” and “downs” throughout these past few months.  Today, as I post this, I’m longing for living life differently than I have been, in a place different from where I am because without the things that keep me “here”, I want to be “there”.

I’ve written and re-written this post for several weeks, because this liminal space is… uncharted. It’s, wild. There are no paths to follow. Only the experience of the moment. (And maybe even a cup of tea or two too…)

Here in this moment, I have felt a great sense of stability amidst the chaos and uncertainty of the world, and a sense of blossoming like I’ve not felt before.  It’s as if I’ve been on the open ocean for so long, that I see there’s something on the horizon, I just can’t quite make out what that something is yet. It is exciting, and scary. This is amidst the pain, suffering and grief throughout what is currently happening the world over.

I’ve been tapping into some core feelings that I’ve not been able to make space for – and that in and of itself is a great gift even if opening it seems to leave scratches, like walking through a rose or berry thicket.  

This time feels like a holding, an awareness, of both the blossom and the thorn.

Yet, just like wrapped gifts and roses and berries, there are treasures if we persevere through the uncertain parts; only if we stop, if we take a moment, a breath, and watch what’s happening. If you stop in a blackberry thicket, you cease to get pricked and scratched and seemingly grabbed and held ferociously by the thorns and canes. You can feel a sense of calm within this wildly thorny place. We can possibly safe in this, if we let ourselves.


As a survivor of domestic abuse, the survivor of workplace emotional and psychological abuse, and the spouse of a recovering alcoholic, I can without a doubt say that none of this, and I mean none of this, is fully accessible without a sense of environmental safety. If you are not safe in your home, are living with an abuser or in an otherwise abusive environment, getting yourself safe is your top priority. You deserve to be safe so that you can grow and thrive as who you are meant to be and who you truly are. If you are in an unsafe position, please refer to the resources below.

Here’s how I see it. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can grow or heal without feeling safe, without feeling held and nurtured.  Seeds don’t grow until they’ve found their home in the soil, on a tree limb, in the water, etc.  We all have seen plants growing in the scarcest of conditions, but there the seeds have landed, with conditions that are “good enough” for them to take their chance at thriving during their time on Earth. 


From my years of undergoing therapy for PTSD, the very first order of business was establishing a sense of inner safety where my body did not feel like it was spinning out of control, or on hyper vigilance mode all the time.

I didn’t know what it meant to feel relaxed and safe in my body for more than a short time until this past fall. Making safe havens within ourselves takes time. Much like the formation of earth, sand, trees, patience – or the willingness to keep returning to these practices with the tenacity of a tree growing in a sliver of a sidewalk crack- is required.

My vision of safety is not living in a utopian dreamworld, where everything is our idea of perfection or consistent certainty. This is obviously not the safety such as in greenhouse uber-controlled conditions where the soil, humidity, water, light, and nutrient conditions are closely monitored.


Safety is that which we know within ourselves, that we can look within and feel a sense of inner trust, compassion and a general feeling of “I’ve got this”. It’s courageous stuff, especially as a woman in this society who is told all sorts of things about who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to want, how I’m supposed to behave, and what relationships I’m supposed to have.

It’s hard to feel “safe” when the world-at-large is telling you that you are not to be trusted: that who you are and what you want is somehow not acceptable or good enough. It is hard to feel safe when you don’t know what you are coming home to after work. It’s hard to feel safe when you work in an abusive work environment.


It starts small: making one promise to myself every day (this started with meditating daily), and has grown from there.***

From these small acts, we cultivate safety that becomes trusting oneself in the wildness that is living life.  This wilderness is the ground upon which we stand in the here and now.  This wilderness is filled with all sorts of interesting things to navigate along the individual’s path – and each path’s terrain is different. This can be the place where we explore in meditation (and other internal practices), in our creative work, in therapy/self-exploration, in our physical world, and in our relationships – but only if we dare to learn the terrain that is our inner world. 

We learn what is predictable, what is unpredictable, what season or cycle we may be in, and where we fit into it.  We can let go of our notion of control: control over our environment, thoughts, finances, relationships, and so on. We can return to ourselves, and learn to trust in who we are and our place in the world.

We learn that big, traumatic, things can happen and we can still feel safely held by ourself, the world, you name it and that we can be true to ourselves and navigate these waters. That even amidst great upheaval, there can be growth, healing, expansion into the deeper self because of this feeling of holding, of inherent safety within our beings. This feeling can be touched upon and returned to repeatedly.


This sensation of being safely held and returning to who we are is connection to the Dao, Universe, Heavens, God, Spirit, Gaia, Great Mystery, etc. I don’t really have a word for it, and I know of some people who call it magic. We feel held within this connection by our Yīn.

Yet, in our society today, we are very Yáng focused. Yáng is described below in detail, but it is outwardly moving, bright, heat, and loud. Yáng has taken over our world, and this is a big reason why we are seeing climate change: the balance between Yīn and Yáng is terribly off. Instead of an ice-age of Yīn, we will have a heat-age of Yáng. We are already in this transition, and if we do not cultivate the balance within ourselves and society (and our treatment of the natural world) through Yīn, our whole world will collapse.


Yīn (陰) is the female principle in the Yīn -Yáng dynamic.

Yīn is defined as the following: shade, shadow, cold-lit, dark(ness), dim(ly), north side of a mountain, south side of a river (especially regarding place names), cold(ness), inactivity, declining strength, seasons of autumn and winter, cool vapors and aura of autumn and winter, cold wind (especially north wind), feminine principle (opposite of a Yáng), associated with the moon, earth, darkness, cold, weakness, softness, hiddenness, latency, stillness, etc.; the broken lines in Yijing hexagrams, symbolic of the number 6 as the most fully Yīn of the nine fundamental numerals, below the surface, secretive, out of sight, retract(ed), suggest(ion), intimation, innuendo, pertaining to the reproductive organs.[1] 

Yīn Organs in Chinese Medicine are those that hold the vital energies and spirits: the Heart and Pericardium hold the Shen (our life spirit), the Liver holds the Hun (creative spirit), the Spleen holds the Yi (our integrity), the Lungs hold the Po (our instinctive-animal spirit), and the Kidneys hold the Zhi (our innate wise spirit).


Neat factoid:

There is also a variation in pinyin spelling (yìn) that utilizes the same character set that means: afford shelter, protect, benefit, cover over, conceal, hide.[2]


Yáng (陽) , on the other hand, embodies brilliance, light, the south side of a mountain, warmth, lively, full of life, the seasons of spring and summer, superficial, surface, the masculine principle that is comprised of the sun, heaven, light, warmth, strength, hardness, height, mastery, potency action.[3] 

Yáng Organs are the organs that move internally and externally: Small Intestine and Triple Warmer move food and the heating-cooling fluids of the body, the Gallbladder moves bile, the Stomach moves food, the Large Intestine moves waste material, and the Bladder moves water.


With our enforced yìn-Yīn time here in the United States (during the shift from the Yīn to the Yáng time of year at that!), we are afforded the opportunity that we no longer get during autumn and winter: a time for stillness, to peer into our inner stillness and shadows. 

This is, of course, terribly poor timing for all we want to do is be out in the world being active and we’re forced to remain within ourselves and our homes (however that may look for you).  It’s no wonder that as these weeks continue on we may be feeling stagnant. This is the time of year that we move all that’s been accumulated during the winter into action.

Yet, I see this yìn time in that we have the opportunity to shine the Yáng light into the Yīn darkness that all too often are unable to do. This is where this time can be a boon – but again, only if we already feel some sense of safety, some kind of holding. And, as I previously stated, for a lot of us, that’s just not the norm and that needs to come first.


This is only possible if we have that safety, that feeling of being held.

The Uncertainty guide offers practices which open you up to your inherent way of being. To help you learn to feel safe in yourself again.

Once you have that…

the Fire that’s in your Heart can shine like the sun into the depths of your being, allowing you to discover your unique treasures and gifts. You can transform through this uncovering what you’ve taken on that is no longer useful. You can courageously move through your fear and create what the Ancients call: wisdom, benevolence, integrity, rightousness, and propriety.

Stay tuned for more on these transformations!


References:

[1] A Student’s Dictionary of Classical and Medieval Chinese by Paul W. Kroll

[2] In A Student’s Dictionary of Classical and Medieval Chinese by Paul W. Kroll,

[3] In A Student’s Dictionary of Classical and Medieval Chinese by Paul W. Kroll,

[4] Lonny Jarrett, Nourishing Destiny, pg 153

[5] Larre and Rochat de la Valle, The Seven Emotions, pg 95

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Resources:
***The Holistic Psychologist is a great resource on Instagram, YouTube and her Inner Circle group for clear instructions on how to help you return to yourself. I wish she was around when I started my journey years ago, because everything she discusses is what I’ve explored and her work is just phenomenal. Simple, clear, to the point.

Resources on Domestic Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, and other:

If you are a domestic abuse survivor, FreeFrom seeks to provide opportunities for income generation and independence: http://www.freefrom.org/

CapitalOne Bank offers online accounts without receiving paper mail. This is a great option for you to squirrel money into in case you need it. You can use ATM’s with your debit card to make cash deposits. Here’s the link to the free checking account: https://apply.capitalone.com/index.html#/getting-started?productId=4000&Product=360Bank

ProtonMail is free encrypted email: https://protonmail.com/signup

Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/help/

Futures without Violence: https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/get-updates-information-covid-19/

If someone in your household is abusing substances and you have no recourse to leave, Al Anon may be of help in helping you get through this time. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

If Alanon is not for you, there are other 12-step type options.

Speaking with a therapist (which should be free of copays at the moment) may help you during this time as well.